At a time when SJWs are pushing for the next Bond actor to be black, and the new Bond author is adapting Bond to the morals of the 21st century (read: taking away his masculinity), I thought it would be great to revisit the classic, unadulterated, politically incorrect, white male fantasy. Since I had only ever watched a few of the Bond films, I decided to go through the entire series. Here are my thoughts after watching the early films in the series, all starring Sean Connery, except On Her Majesty’s Secret Service starring some other guy. So have your girl make you a martini, kick up your feet and enjoy some entertainment that was truly made for men.
A Great Male Role Model
From the way he knows his wines, to his fluency in multiple languages, to his crisp suits, to his confidence during a crisis, Bond is always on point. Not only is he a lady’s man, he’s a man’s man, too: Courageous, inventive, determined, …. Bond exemplifies many of the most sought-after attributes of men. Plus, he slaps a lot of women. These are the perfect films to help shape a young man in the right way in our modern, PC, feminized society.
Handling Women with Ease
Oh man, was this a relief. Finally, I could enjoy entertainment that praises women for being women and men being men. The chicks are all very attractive and playful (except for that ugly evil one in From Russia with Love, she’s a bitch), and although it’s unrealistic how easily Bond beds them all, it still makes for great entertainment. Bond handles their shit-tests and resistances with playful ease and classic one-liners. A frame to behold.
Adventuring Around the World
I felt like I was going on a mini-vacation each time I started a new film. The cinematography, characters, set-design and culture all wove together to create a wonderful impression of each locale. Even better, it was vacationing in the world of fifty years ago, when the west didn’t have to apologize for being number one and different cultures could be appreciated simply for their differences instead of seen as inherently superior.
Hilarious Gadgets, Vehicles, Fights, Enemies, …
These are all the things the Bond movies are famous for, but I’d hate to be remiss: the early films all deliver. Experimental Jetpack? CHECK Fire-breathing Dragon tractor? CHECK Hat used as a boomerang-type weapon? CHECK Spaceship that eats other ships? CHECK. All these ludicrous inventions and many, many more keep these films feeling fresh.
Here’s quick look at the early Bond films:
Dr. No (1962) (amazon)
Get ready for an adventure in a tropical paradise. Though this is the first Bond film, it delivers on every key aspect the series is known for. Other than a few sets & shots revealing a low budget, I would never have guessed that this film was the first entry in the series, as the characters, cinematography and plot weave together to form a fun experience. And, after watching the subsequent entries, I can say that this is the least fantastical film of the series, other than the maniac attempting to sabotage the space program with a nuclear powered radio beam that is.
From Russia with Love (1963) (amazon)
Location: Istanbul & the Orient Express
The second film in the series is a cold-war, espionage-filled thriller, and it delivers even more than the first. When Bond and his allies agree the whole mission is a trap, but one that they can’t refuse, you know you’re in for a fun ride. And a ride it is, as a good quarter of the movie takes place on the Orient Express. This film has aged well, even with Bond’s life-saving gadget being a super versatile briefcase.
GoldFinger (1964) (amazon)
Location: Switzerland & the US
Man, this film was great. The film begins with Bond putting an end to Goldfinger’s amateur card cheating. Goldfinger responds by killing a girl by covering her with with gold paint. And then, it’s on. It doesn’t get much better than that. Bond and Goldfinger develop a great hero/villain relationship with Bond getting closer and closer to his goal while Goldfinger seemingly keeps all under control. And then it seems all is over when Pussy Galore enters the picture: the first strong woman, you almost think she can stand up to Bond… Nope! This one’s a classic and well worth watching.
Thunderball (1965) (amazon)
Location: Bahamas, with a lot of underwater scenes
As I’m very partial to marine movies (especially submarine films), I was excited for this one. But the back and forth plot and over-abundance of gadgets left a lot to be desired. The underwater fighting scenes, too, dragged on a bit, and, on account of the slow underwater movements, fell flat. But the film still has it’s characteristic moments. I’d recommend the first three films over Thunderball, but if you’re enjoying the series, then by all means enjoy this one, too.
You Only Live Twice (1967) (amazon)
Sake, hot tubs & Japanese women–what’s not to like? The film had a lot of good moments. My favorite was Bond worrying that the woman he had to fake-marry for the mission would be ugly. During the ceremony he kept looking around and around trying to figure out which one was her, and then when she was revealed, his face glowed.
On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969) (amazon)
This one stars “the other guy” according to Captain Capitalism. My expectations were pretty low after seeing that George only starred in this one Bond film, and I wasn’t let down. All the parts of a bond film where present, except one very important feature: charisma. This film ends up being a great case study for just how essential charisma can be, though, because although George said all the lines and acted very similarly to what I was used to from Sean, the hollowness of his acting and his lack of pizzazz made the scenes fall flat, with a few being almost disturbing. In many of the interactions with the girls, he ends up coming across very needy, especially in the love montage scene: twice he is reaching out to hold the girl and drawing her in way too tightly. And then, to top it all off, he ends up getting hitched to the girl he seems to be constantly chasing. Ugh. This is not the male fantasy I was looking forward to. But, aside from that, the alpine scenery is refreshing, and the action sequences are as enjoyable as expected, including skiing with machine guns, cable-car adventures, a great car chase in the middle of a rally race, and a noteworthy bobsled battle.
Diamonds Are Forever (1971) (amazon)
Location: Las Vegas
The movie begins with Bond strangling a woman with her own bikini top, and it only gets better from there! At first, I was a little disappointed that the setting was America, but Vegas as seen through the eyes of Bond and the early seventies, ended up feeling just as exotic as any other foreign land. The plot and action were both paced well and kept me on my toes, especially a car chase with Bond evading all of Vegas’ police force. It’s quite comical, and then ends with Bond escaping with style.
A Better Time
Despite their flaws, these films were a pleasure to watch not only for the classic action and one-liners, but also because they showcased a time and world that I became quite envious of: a time when men were praised for being masculine and women for being feminine.